This guy is great! Jim Gaffigan.
Here's a speech he gave to a graduating class at Lalumiere.
Headmaster Sullivan, thank you for inviting me back to LaLumiere. Members of the Board of Trustees, Faculty, Staff, Parents, Family members, students and most of all my soon-to-be fellow alumni of LaLumiere School, I’m honored to be here representing the class of 1984.When my brother Joe, a trustee here at LaLumiere, called me and asked if I would address the graduating class of 2002 I think like most LaLumiere graduates I took a pause. I looked back on my four enriching years as a LaLumiere student and asked "How much are they gonna pay me?"
When Joe told me there was no money, I hung up on him. Later on, after some e-mailing and some blackmailing, here I am. In all seriousness, I’m flattered to be addressing the class of 2002.My brother Joe graduated from LaLumiere the year before me. My brother Mitch graduated two years before that. I realize that by me being asked to give a LaLumiere commencement address before them, some will think I’m a bigger success then they are and, well, they would be right. Of course, I’m kidding. The real reason I was asked to speak was because I’m better looking.
I know many of the graduates are looking at me and thinking, "Who is this guy? And what's with the goatee?"Some of you might look at me and see an actor. Some a comedian. Some a really pale guy that should do more sit-ups. I recall at the first LaLumiere graduation ceremony I attended the commencement speaker was a former student who had become a prestigious congressman. At yours, an unemployed actor-comedian. Essentially I’m saying, please lower your expectations.
...I’m more than aware there is and will continue to be a never-ending supply of advice given to you graduates. So, I want to give something tangible, something I think you will value. And that is why I will be giving each and every graduate an autograph. It may not be my autograph but I think it’s a convincing replica.
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